Cue eighties soundtrack: The Power of Love
I’m a product of the nineties. I grew up dancing around my bedroom with a hairbrush singing songs like Meatloaf’s, ‘I Would Do Anything For Love’, Eurythmics’, ‘I Need A Man’, and Madonna’s, ‘Open Your Heart To Me’. Just like the lyrics in the songs indicate, I grew up believing that love came from another person….and seeking that person I certainly went!
By my late 30’s (aside from the love I had for my children) I realised I was yet to really experience love in the most powerful way that I sensed was possible. I wanted my love to be fuller, deeper and more expansive.
So, I decided to investigate ‘love’ on the journey of creating Genius You, firstly driven by this yearning to experience a deep, boundless and unconditional love and secondly, through the work I was doing on myself and with others, I could see that when love is damaged it hurts and limits our lives.
There was no way else to do it - I leapt off a high diving board and plunged headfirst into love and I was rewarded with a series of epiphanies.
My first epiphany was encountered quickly; to do unconditional love, I would have to stop practicing transactional love, ha, the very love that I had been trained to do. Transactional love is another word for conditional, but it is more accurate because a transaction is a set of rules and expectations. A transaction has a promise and an outcome associated with it. Not to mention a whole set of assumptions.
With a partner it looks like the following; If you behave like this and I behave like so, we can go on caring and supporting one another, sharing our lives and operating as a team. But if you disregard those rules/boundaries then I will remove some, or maybe all of my gifts - my intimacy, my trust, my delight. The more you break, the greater the withdrawal and vice versa.
Does this seem familiar to you?
What I uncovered was that this isn't actually love, rather it's a structure that we have been taught by default to live by. I saw that the vast majority of relationships has a set of rules and expectations that make it work (or not…).
When we attempt to add unconditional love to this structure, it looks like suffering and compromise instead of powerful and limitless.
My next epiphany hit me like a bolt out of the blue. We are doing this thing called love in a severely limited capacity and it’s a bloody tragedy. It was a personal tragedy for me and for almost everyone I come into contact with through Genius You. My clients are incredible people, doing amazing things in the world – living so courageously and yet the power and potential for great love is all but lost because we are all simply not doing it properly.
Love should be the place where we are operating from – because it offers us the most power. It’s the right gear to be in to accelerate into a powerful and expansive life. But if we seek our love and validation from the world around us, we are going to only find pockets here and there. And that’s not a good strategy for success because this type of love is painful and dangerous; it literally damages us and it’s no wonder we use it with fear.
We need our own, uninterrupted source of love. We need to build a pipeline, and a pump (to keep the mechanical analogies going!) to keep it coursing through us. I believe love is our essence, our lifeblood. We instinctively know how vital this is. We seek it from the moment we are born. But we are we taught to seek it from others, rather than foster it from within.
We are taught to give and receive, we are taught that love is a doing word. We are certainly not taught first and foremost that love is something we can be. Our true nature. Who we really are.
I think there are very few souls who have worked this out and it is why we live in war, internally and externally. So instead of peace we live with conditions and risk mitigation. And when the world keeps reinforcing this, it’s hard to see there is another way to be. But I have great news, there is.
It was at this point I began my slow – and at times hard – transition.
Here was the path I trod. I moved from seeking love with all my sophisticated tricks and charm to creating love by actively developing my self-love through increasing my internal worth, trust and belief.
I moved from using deterrents against the breaking of rules, to seeking understanding and acceptance of myself and my beloved man. I removed the exterior shell which supposedly was there to protect me and I experienced a softening, a vulnerability emerged (continues to emerge), a place for self-love to flow.
I began to shift items out of the ‘Love Category’, things that didn't belong and were placed here by lack of true understanding. Things like, rejection, undermining and betrayal, things I have come to understand and call “love distortions”.
All sorts of insights emerged. I saw that rejection isn't a lack of love, it's a lack of depth because we are unable to see how something belongs. Betrayal isn't a lack of love, it's a lack of ability to connect with our values. When I discovered these things I stopped feeling the hits so acutely and while I may feel sad, I can also feel compassion. Undermining isn't a lack of love, it's a power play and a defence mechanism. And Nastiness isn't a lack of love, it's a tactic of control and it reveals a lack of control.
When I removed these items from the ‘Love Category’ I felt my love purifying. I was able to see beliefs which have been fostered by my experiences; that I was undeserving, unlovable, not good enough… the list went on. But when I faced these with my strengthened love, my purified love, my self-generated love, I discovered that these beliefs disintegrated and were allowed to evolve into new forms of expansive love. It was my distorted sense of love that had left them resonating for so long, and they were far from the truth.
Once these beliefs were actively and intentionally flipped into deserving, extremely loveable and bountiful, I could begin creating my own love and commence on the journey of becoming the undistorted love that I am. I can fill my own self up. Be my own gas station. My own mechanic (excuse the car metaphors, I am no petrol-head, but you get the gist).
My self doubt is filled with deep belief. My non-deserving is rebuilt with self-worth. Tendencies to disloyalty are dissolved with my own development of self-trust.
I am speaking of my own journey, my own experiences of transactional and distorted love.
Everyone's life and dynamics will be different. But the process of shifting to a place where a person can become their own love-factory is a universal one, it is created through seeing and understanding.
I believe this profound truth is the key to unlocking the next phase of life - it’s about connecting with your inner teen, singing from the depths of your heart and at the same time doing the grown up work of becoming your own source.
Learning how to create love inside of me is one of the most powerful things I have ever achieved. This is where healing happens and unconditional is found. And as with everything magnificent on this life’s journey it begins from within. Isn’t that brilliant? There is nowhere else to turn towards other than ourselves to experience life’s greatest gifts.
Cue Whitney…..’The Greatest Love of All……’